if you don't know me by now
and i wonder how is it that i do not know myself any better either? after all these years could i live with myself or could i stand living with myself? bizarre one may say..sometimes a sweeping statement could very well describe me as a person and yet when approached i couldn't pick out any words that could adequately fit me as a 'type'. stereotypically i mean. do i want to be judged? i can't explain enough and to everyone who i am what i am how i am yet i try to deconstruct those around me all the time... humans are surely complicated beings and i'd reckon so is life.what does it mean to stop being petty? to stop being candid? should i lower my expectations and be nice. does it really make me a better person? just be nice. mouthing the words seem funny. are you a nice person just because you obligatory wash the dishes? are you nice because you did someone a huge favour? or are you a nice person just because you have 1,453 FB friends? i think so because that's how the society judges you and in a world where moral obligations run high all you have to do is stick to these standards and one should have no problem conforming. especially when the definition of nice comes from someone else. am i a nice person if i look at 'self' first like demanding for things that i like, enjoying the rewards of my hard work, or condemning how unfairly i am being treated? nope that would make me a selfish bitch.
how can i stay true to myself then? i often regret my actions of not listening to the inner voice in my head. which leads to alot of mulling over what-ifs scenarios and basically me-bashing of how i could have salvaged the situation. i know this. i know the drill and the instant divergence at crossroads of choosing which way to go because the alternative would appear in my mind. do this. i should be doing this. but i don't and let the moment lapse. i didn't make a choice then even though it was clear in my head i could. that split second of owning it that could very well overturn things and lead to a totally different path of the one i am on now. but i never learn and listen. why? because of the lack of faith that anything i do would make a difference? that my life could be entirely in my control and i can live it the way i want? that's stretching it too far.
i'm not so rational in love though. i listen to my heart entirely. my inner voice says yes go with it. my heart follows. so why not in everything else i do? what's holding me back? of all the repercussions i have to bear and blame that follows why couldn't i take the first step for others? why couldn't i take responsibility for others in making my decision? maybe speaking up at times like this is all about being the person i want to be. and not being nice.
posted by novie @ 7:30 PM
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whatever makes me happy